"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." -Carl Jung
My approach to couples therapy is rooted in somatic psychotherapy, as well as attachment and polyvagal theory. It is often in our intimate relationships that our attachment style, established in our system initially with our primary caregivers, arises. In intimate relationship, we can experience the strange, sometimes disturbing, yet common, experience of becoming dysregulated in ways perhaps we have not experienced since we were children or lived with our primary caregivers. Sometimes we are not even conscious that this is what is happening. We may find that we are responding from or being driven by a survival state (fight, flight, freeze, flock, feign/fawn). We may be aware our response seems “excessive,” and yet, the dysregulation in the nervous system persists until it feels safe again.
Humans often unconsciously seek in intimate relationships what is familiar. Humans do not necessarily seek what is nourishing; we seek what is familiar. Someone who received consistent, attuned, loving attention as a child will likely seek that in a partner. Someone who experienced inconsistent, confusing, attention as a child will likely seek that, or unconsciously create it in their relationship. Someone who experienced engulfment or who was ignored may not seek intimate relationship, or may seek it briefly, or may secure back doors from their intimate relationship, so as not to be engulfed or ignored or rejected again. Someone who was harmed by their primary caregiver may find intimate relationship to be disorganizing and frightening, and may find themselves in relationships that are disorganizing and frightening, or possibly avoid intimate relationship altogether.
There are four types of adult attachment: secure, and the insecure types: anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, and disorganized. Rather than conceptualizing ourselves as being one type, it can be more helpful to regard our style as a pie chart. Often an individual will have aspects of all or several of the types, with one type being more pronounced. An individual’s attachment response can also shift depending on the style of their partner and the particular dynamic of their relationship. For example, a person who has more of a tendency toward anxious-avoidance in relationship with a partner who is more anxious-ambivalent may find they become more anxious-ambivalent when their partner is more anxious-avoidant.
Somatic psychotherapy is particularly useful in couples counseling because it attunes to the nonverbal, to the body’s cues, and regards the couple as an interdependent system. Relationship, just like existing, is not solely a cognitive process. Humans are physiologically designed for relationship; we are hardwired for connection. When we are attuned to someone, our face literally lights up. The ventral vagal, or social engagement, system, which connects various areas of the face, brain, and heart, is engaged when we feel rested and connected to another. When we perceive danger, the sympathetic system alights, mobilizing our body to fight and/or flee. When we perceive a cue as extremely dangerous or life threatening, the dorsal vagal system is triggered, and our system shifts from a state of connection to protection; immobilization or freeze. By recognizing these internal and external cues in ourselves and our partners, we can be aware of when we or our partner are in an activated, protective state, and it is essentially useless to try to resolve a conflict until that person is able to return to a socially engaged, parasympathetic state. We can learn how to read our partner's, and our our internal, verbal and nonverbal cues, and support our partner and ourselves to foster and return to a safe, regulated, connective state.
In our work together, we will determine what your and your partner’s attachment styles are, what triggers you and your partner to feel insecurely attached, how you can attune to one another to promote secure attachment in your relationship, and how you can regulate your and your partner’s nervous system.
My approach to couples therapy is rooted in somatic psychotherapy, as well as attachment and polyvagal theory. It is often in our intimate relationships that our attachment style, established in our system initially with our primary caregivers, arises. In intimate relationship, we can experience the strange, sometimes disturbing, yet common, experience of becoming dysregulated in ways perhaps we have not experienced since we were children or lived with our primary caregivers. Sometimes we are not even conscious that this is what is happening. We may find that we are responding from or being driven by a survival state (fight, flight, freeze, flock, feign/fawn). We may be aware our response seems “excessive,” and yet, the dysregulation in the nervous system persists until it feels safe again.
Humans often unconsciously seek in intimate relationships what is familiar. Humans do not necessarily seek what is nourishing; we seek what is familiar. Someone who received consistent, attuned, loving attention as a child will likely seek that in a partner. Someone who experienced inconsistent, confusing, attention as a child will likely seek that, or unconsciously create it in their relationship. Someone who experienced engulfment or who was ignored may not seek intimate relationship, or may seek it briefly, or may secure back doors from their intimate relationship, so as not to be engulfed or ignored or rejected again. Someone who was harmed by their primary caregiver may find intimate relationship to be disorganizing and frightening, and may find themselves in relationships that are disorganizing and frightening, or possibly avoid intimate relationship altogether.
There are four types of adult attachment: secure, and the insecure types: anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, and disorganized. Rather than conceptualizing ourselves as being one type, it can be more helpful to regard our style as a pie chart. Often an individual will have aspects of all or several of the types, with one type being more pronounced. An individual’s attachment response can also shift depending on the style of their partner and the particular dynamic of their relationship. For example, a person who has more of a tendency toward anxious-avoidance in relationship with a partner who is more anxious-ambivalent may find they become more anxious-ambivalent when their partner is more anxious-avoidant.
Somatic psychotherapy is particularly useful in couples counseling because it attunes to the nonverbal, to the body’s cues, and regards the couple as an interdependent system. Relationship, just like existing, is not solely a cognitive process. Humans are physiologically designed for relationship; we are hardwired for connection. When we are attuned to someone, our face literally lights up. The ventral vagal, or social engagement, system, which connects various areas of the face, brain, and heart, is engaged when we feel rested and connected to another. When we perceive danger, the sympathetic system alights, mobilizing our body to fight and/or flee. When we perceive a cue as extremely dangerous or life threatening, the dorsal vagal system is triggered, and our system shifts from a state of connection to protection; immobilization or freeze. By recognizing these internal and external cues in ourselves and our partners, we can be aware of when we or our partner are in an activated, protective state, and it is essentially useless to try to resolve a conflict until that person is able to return to a socially engaged, parasympathetic state. We can learn how to read our partner's, and our our internal, verbal and nonverbal cues, and support our partner and ourselves to foster and return to a safe, regulated, connective state.
In our work together, we will determine what your and your partner’s attachment styles are, what triggers you and your partner to feel insecurely attached, how you can attune to one another to promote secure attachment in your relationship, and how you can regulate your and your partner’s nervous system.